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Buck has spent the last few days agonizing over his decision to pack a bag and spend some time in El Paso. He'd bought the tickets first, of course, and then had sat down and told Maddie how he was feeling.

She'd given him that look, that one that she'd always given him when she wasn't sure if what he was doing was right, but also, that he was Buck and he was going to do it anyway. On a whim he'd quit multiple jobs and moved to different states, different countries, even. This wasn't anything like that; and yet, he was more nervous over showing up than he had been starting his whole life over.

If he's honest with himself, which he's really trying his hardest to be, he thinks that he'd felt this way since they'd met. Since he'd gotten jealous of all the attention Eddie had gotten his first few days at the firehouse, since soaking up his attention like a sponge when he'd finally earned it for himself.

And when Eddie had felt that he hadn't been ready to move on with Ana, Buck hadn't thought too much of it. Even when he'd tried to work things out with Marisol and then made up a flimsy excuse only to move her in and break up with her anyway - well, Buck was more than understanding of self-destructive romantic tendencies from unresolved feelings. But he'd worked it through, in therapy. And now here he was, minutes away from Eddie's house, finally getting a sinking gut feeling that maybe he should've thought this one through a little more.

After all, maybe Eddie still wasn't over Shannon. Maybe Eddie wanted this time to focus on repairing his relationship with Christopher and couldn't handle Buck's emotional turmoil on top of all that, and oh yeah: he doesn't actually even know if Eddie likes guys. Full stop.

Buck feels like an idiot.

He's about to turn back around and drive to the airport, but he's found himself parked outside Ramon and Helena's house in a strange shiny rental car. Before he can peel away, a rather ornery-looking Helena comes towards who she assumes is a stranger, tensely asking if she can help him with anything before he opens the door and she realizes that she knows this man. "I, uh."

"You're here to see Eddie," she finishes. "Did something bad happen?"

"No!" he exclaims, quickly. "Nothing like that. Actually - it wasn't important, maybe I'll text him instead, I don't want anyone. Freaking out."

She looks at him dubiously. "Nonsense, you come right in, Eddie's just out back with Christopher."

"Oh, uh, maybe I can come back. When Chris is asleep. Or. Something."

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That isn't the answer he's expecting from Eddie, and he looks a little shocked. "I'm sorry," he says, initially, because he knows that he'd planned all this to come out here and get Chris back and - okay, come to think of it, it was like Buck's plan, only a lot better. But then he smiles and tries to make a joke: "Well, you can show me your old room, I've never seen that!"

And that? That sounds weird. He does that thing he does where he shakes his head at himself and asks himself silently, 'why did I say that?' He's really asking Eddie not to notice a lot of things with this visit, but he feels like he kinda ought to have just rolled up with a six pack so they could sit in silence for a bit, instead.

Talking things out works for them sometimes, but honestly, Buck mostly just bucks it up.

At the risk of making things worse, he asks: "How's Chris taking all this?" Because he knows that Chris wanted some distance, but he's also thirteen. He can't realistically stay away from his dad and emancipate himself or something. And it wouldn't be over this - all parents fuck up at some point. Ok, maybe Eddie hadn't really been the best boyfriend to his last string of girlfriends because he'd needed a lot of time to himself to move on - Buck loves the guy, but he can be honest in his own head. But he'd always been a good father, right up until that happened.

He just didn't think Chris would be so mad at Eddie. And hopefully they're going to therapy now, to repair their relationship. Not that Buck has any say in this, but he wants them home. Even if he never gets around to telling Eddie how he feels - any semblance of the life they'd had together, before Chris moved away. There was so much Buck would give to have that again.