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Buck has spent the last few days agonizing over his decision to pack a bag and spend some time in El Paso. He'd bought the tickets first, of course, and then had sat down and told Maddie how he was feeling.
She'd given him that look, that one that she'd always given him when she wasn't sure if what he was doing was right, but also, that he was Buck and he was going to do it anyway. On a whim he'd quit multiple jobs and moved to different states, different countries, even. This wasn't anything like that; and yet, he was more nervous over showing up than he had been starting his whole life over.
If he's honest with himself, which he's really trying his hardest to be, he thinks that he'd felt this way since they'd met. Since he'd gotten jealous of all the attention Eddie had gotten his first few days at the firehouse, since soaking up his attention like a sponge when he'd finally earned it for himself.
And when Eddie had felt that he hadn't been ready to move on with Ana, Buck hadn't thought too much of it. Even when he'd tried to work things out with Marisol and then made up a flimsy excuse only to move her in and break up with her anyway - well, Buck was more than understanding of self-destructive romantic tendencies from unresolved feelings. But he'd worked it through, in therapy. And now here he was, minutes away from Eddie's house, finally getting a sinking gut feeling that maybe he should've thought this one through a little more.
After all, maybe Eddie still wasn't over Shannon. Maybe Eddie wanted this time to focus on repairing his relationship with Christopher and couldn't handle Buck's emotional turmoil on top of all that, and oh yeah: he doesn't actually even know if Eddie likes guys. Full stop.
Buck feels like an idiot.
He's about to turn back around and drive to the airport, but he's found himself parked outside Ramon and Helena's house in a strange shiny rental car. Before he can peel away, a rather ornery-looking Helena comes towards who she assumes is a stranger, tensely asking if she can help him with anything before he opens the door and she realizes that she knows this man. "I, uh."
"You're here to see Eddie," she finishes. "Did something bad happen?"
"No!" he exclaims, quickly. "Nothing like that. Actually - it wasn't important, maybe I'll text him instead, I don't want anyone. Freaking out."
She looks at him dubiously. "Nonsense, you come right in, Eddie's just out back with Christopher."
"Oh, uh, maybe I can come back. When Chris is asleep. Or. Something."
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He still underestimated how hard it would be. Mostly because he couldn't have guessed why it was so difficult.
Even on that first day, when it's just him moving most of his stuff into a storage locker and his essentials into his abuela's spare bedroom, he finds himself turning to say something to someone who isn't there. Someone who is twelve hours and an eternity away. Buck.
People have made jokes for years about how attached the two of them are to each other. Eddie's laughed at them, made a few himself in the right circumstances. He remembers how off it felt to work at dispatch, away from his work partner and best friend. But somehow that didn't prepare him for being this far away from Buck and knowing it's not just a matter of time before Eddie sees him again. That realization hits him like a punch to the solar plexus, followed by the much gentler thought: oh, I'm in love with him.
It feels like the easiest thing in the world to admit to himself in the middle of the night, listening to the crickets chirp. The implications of that admission, on the other hand, have Eddie so worked up and squirrely feeling the next few days that even Christopher notices. He's just lucky his kid mentions it when Eddie's parents aren't in the room. And that he can--somewhat--deflect with a promise to explain later when they don't risk Helena randomly interrupting any conversation they have.
Much like she does when something out the front catches her ear. Eddie listens, attention half on his mother's distant voice and half on the tableau his son and father make, sitting on the deck chairs and playing chess together. It takes him a minute to realize that, while he can't make out any words coming from the front yard, he does recognize that other voice.
He's excited at first--Buck's here! In El Paso! Of course he's excited--but as he gets up to see what's what, reality sets in. Buck is here. In El Paso. Unannounced. Something must have happened back home.
Eddie's almost jogging by the time he gets to the front of the house. "Buck?" he asks. "Who got hurt? How bad?" And does he need to start looking at flights back to LA for the weekend?
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At the very least, he doesn't completely Buck it up.
"I - no one's hurt," he says, "I just... thought I'd surprise you," he adds, in that tone that he does when he's trying to make something up on the spot and not doing a great job. But then he quickly covers it up with excitement and a huge smile to cut the tension. Now that, he's a master at.
He reaches over to hug Eddie, smiling all the way through. "Missed you. Both of you!" he exclaims. "Life's not the same without the Diaz boys, you know that." But he'd been fine taking phone calls from Chris for a few months - he reasons that it's because Chris hadn't really wanted to take his calls. But Eddie does, and so he'd fly all the way out here, and it absolutely wouldn't be suspicious, right?
Only, Helena is looking between them as if quietly asking if anything's going on, but excuses herself to go back inside, presumably to get snacks to accommodate for a new guest.
"You know how I haven't really been taking my vacation days? Well, Cap said I had to take a few and I couldn't think of anything better to do than see you two." It's true that he's not really a guest when it comes to Eddie and Chris - he shows up unannounced at their house and assumes that there's just room in Eddie's house for him, somewhere. A couch, maybe. He assumes that Chris will just welcome him back into his life.
And maybe he shouldn't, because he's also not sure if Chris will want a hug either, but he'll at least go over and offer one. None of what he'd said had been a fabrication, but it hadn't been the whole story. Now that he's here, he is very much lying to himself that the Diaz boys don't occupy the whole of his heart.
oh myg od somehow this ended up in my spam box?? but i found it!!
(It feels more like being home than being in El Paso does.)
"I missed you too, man," Eddie says, tone a little confused. When he pulls away from the embrace (a little bit reluctantly) he puts his hand on Buck's shoulder, thumb finding that divot it always does right by his collar bone. He watches his mother go back in the house and, as the door shuts behind her, turns back to Buck, eyebrow raised. It's not quite a look, but it's definitely a something is up with you and I'm going to figure it out kind of expression.
Giving Buck's shoulder a squeeze, he says, "Chris is around back with my dad. He'll be thrilled to see you." That's not even a lie. He's pretty sure Chris has missed Buck more than he's missed Eddie. "How many days did Cap manage to convince you to take off?"
How long does he get to spend time with his best friend before he has to say goodbye again? Before he, yet again, has to wrestle with watching someone he loves walk away from him, knowing he walked away first? Fuck, why does his life keep going in circles and patterns?
LOL np;;;
"Oh, I don't know about that, but I do wanna go see him," he says, breaking out of whatever spell he seemed to be under. He might have an intolerably obvious crush on Eddie - one that Maddie will not let down that she saw coming for years - but Chris is just as important to him. He loves that kid like his own, and he's more than happy to move on from how awkward he is.
Hopefully Eddie doesn't notice either that, or how strong Buck's pulse is under his thumb.
"Cap convinced me to take five whole days," Buck responds. He does not tell Eddie that he could always delay returning and call Cap - he's got a few more to take but he hadn't wanted to be greedy and have to find other people to take his shift, but he's already feeling like leaving Texas is going to prove really difficult.
"You don't have to cancel your plans for me, by the way. I haven't been to El Paso before and I can entertain myself when you and Chris are busy. It's just - you know." He bites his tongue on 'I missed you,' and 'I can't stop thinking about you,' and 'I need you and Chris to come home,' and instead says: "I haven't seen the new place." Smooth.
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"Five days?" He raises his eyebrows. It's maybe a little exaggerated but he is genuinely surprised. "What kind of dirt does Bobby have on you that he made that happen?"
Because joking about this is clearly the way to smooth over any weird feelings. And the idea of there being any kind of dirt on Buck--Buck who overshares things other people would probably find embarrassing, Buck who told the entire team when he found out about the savior sibling thing, Buck who is good at hiding his feelings sometimes but not always--is laughable.
"You haven't seen the new place because there isn't one." Eddie lets go of Buck's shoulder and crosses his arms over his chest. It's not a self-soothing gesture, it's just. Something to do with his hands that's not letting them linger longer than would be appropriate. "I've been staying in my abuela's spare room."
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And that? That sounds weird. He does that thing he does where he shakes his head at himself and asks himself silently, 'why did I say that?' He's really asking Eddie not to notice a lot of things with this visit, but he feels like he kinda ought to have just rolled up with a six pack so they could sit in silence for a bit, instead.
Talking things out works for them sometimes, but honestly, Buck mostly just bucks it up.
At the risk of making things worse, he asks: "How's Chris taking all this?" Because he knows that Chris wanted some distance, but he's also thirteen. He can't realistically stay away from his dad and emancipate himself or something. And it wouldn't be over this - all parents fuck up at some point. Ok, maybe Eddie hadn't really been the best boyfriend to his last string of girlfriends because he'd needed a lot of time to himself to move on - Buck loves the guy, but he can be honest in his own head. But he'd always been a good father, right up until that happened.
He just didn't think Chris would be so mad at Eddie. And hopefully they're going to therapy now, to repair their relationship. Not that Buck has any say in this, but he wants them home. Even if he never gets around to telling Eddie how he feels - any semblance of the life they'd had together, before Chris moved away. There was so much Buck would give to have that again.